I need to tell someone and I've told a few people already. But its just not right. And I don't know what is taking me so long to snap out of it. When it comes to breakups, I seriously think I don't know how to console others. Much as I tell others don't think so much about it; put a coin into the piggybank when you think about him and then when you are fully over him, take the money out to buy something to reward yourself; or a better man will come your way; God has his plans for you and the guy is just not the one for you; You have too many differences and you need to think about the future.

Well, the more I think about it, when I'm not even going through a real breakup, I realize its all just words. And the amount of energy and courage to really pull out of it is MUCH MUCH greater than this! I don't think how anyone could just get over a breakup and think that nothing is wrong, and life moves on. Especially when the hurtful one is the girl.

Yes, I'm making a molehill out of things and I'm not even going through a rejected stage or a breakup. But just because someone whom I've admired and put my plans onto and grown thoughts over the period of time has gotten attached, I start thinking even more.

Just days before I was happy to hear how people were getting attached, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, having kids, moving on in life…

But yet on Tues, when I found out how this particular person is attached, my whole life just seemed to have moved into another state. And the conversation was just weird. When he told me, I just was lying through my teeth when I said "Congrats" and how that "No wonder you seemed to be happier." and "Life is going to be beautiful" and the ":)" now and then that I give as he told me.

And then he went on to ask me what my future plans are, whether I have anyone in mind…Well, obviously I couldn't say it was him…

Of course the conversation could not have left out how he came to such a decision, how God pulled them together, how lovely they have been…

Seriously, I didn't need to be in such a situation!! And he told me to keep it a secret coz he trusted me?? Yea, thanks a lot.

I know I shouldn't have thought about it even coz it really won't work out. And all these while, I have mixed both personal and work together, that this was the only way which kept me moving. I tried to move forward with him, but guess coz where we are that made things harder to move on.

I haven't spoken it out loud to anyone and I thought just by telling myself I am fine and I would snap out of it soon, afterall, this is not the first time I'm in such a situation. But there's a big difference I guess…

I have felt a big change to myself and how I've been interacting with him for the past few days. I know my r/s with him shouldn't be built upon such feelings, but guess I've made a wrong move and things have sunken too deeply on my end. Mixing emotions and work is a very very bad decision. I've decided to pull myself away from him and only speaking to him for work. And I've stopped working as hard, and there's really no motivation for me now. But I'm suppose to be professional!

Argh! How do others do it!! Where they have like MULTIPLE boyfriends all these while and breakup all so often? I can't. And I can't even say let go!

I've been skipping meals coz there's really no appetite for me. And I've been really moody. I know that he's sooner or later going to get a girlfriend and get married, and I won't be in the picture. But I just didn't realize it would be so soon and that I would be feeling like that!

She's lucky and that's a fact.

And now that I'm in such a state, I only see couples and kids all over! I totally look at people in a different light.

He and I have too many nice and beautiful memories. Maybe that's the thing which was given to me by him? Singing duets, taking lovely pictures, helping and encouraging one another, taking care and showing concerns when we're sick and down…

I'm just not the girl who showed him the most care and concern here then...

I couldn't take it and on Friday night, I went to run at the park nearby and sat down for a long while, thinking about things. I haven't cried at all since the talk on Tues, and I know I would be better after I did. So I really cried while talking to God in prayer and my eyes were washed and the road looked clearer and brighter. I tried to be happier and been pretending that nothing has changed. But somehow deep down inside, the heartache is still etched...

I didn't think this would be part of growing up. Well, I know that I want to get married and have kids. That's me growing up. But I didn't think of the other pain that comes along to finding this happiness.

The next thing which worries me is the day that he finally announces his "attachment" with her on Facebook, or the next moment that the whole office finds out that he's attached and that the whole atmosphere will change, or the next moment that he proposes and the whole world knows he is getting married…

I don't think I would want to be at his wedding and neither do I want to meet her. I don't want to have anything personal to do with him…

Seriously, I even considered leaving my job. How does one get over a person when you see him each day?? And I don't want to be on Facebook anymore coz who knows the next moment when you see an update about him having fun with her?

I'm suppose to be chill and heckcare and think that my prince charming will come along the way…Wait…Be patient…and Pray…YES…I KNOW…

Quoting Huifang as she wrote this on her wall:

That is very true, and I know I should be giving my blessings since I know I can never be together with him. And I have set my conclusions on this matter and decided to move on…Well, easier said that done…

Some sayings go like: As long as he is not married for a day, you still have a day chance to win him back.

Just depends if that's what I want to do. I'm just going to behave as usual and still enjoy the gentlemanliness of him that attracted me to him…gain more knowledge of being a manager and a boss…

And of course, Pray that I meet another guy as awesome as him, but is a trusting and believing Christian in the same faith, and that he loves me and only me :)

Till then, I think I'm going to take a long while before I snap out of it. And I've been sleeping more to sleep my worries away. But this just won't work. I have made my plans for the next few weeks to be SUPER BUSY! And not be in office as much as possible. I want to be away from him as much as possible.

Let's try and see how. Coz I really want to be happy again...

I'm going to try to put in little nuggets of what has been happening so far. And this is truly not representative of time.

I've grown a lot over the months. Not just in size, but in confidence and maturity.

Working with people older than me, but yet, not that old, has allowed me to see and understand more than what I thought is happening around me. I'm enjoying myself on the internship and 'eyelid' has been great to me thus far :) I always tell Michyyeoh, who is on NOC India now, that she should think of the goodness and look forward to learning something each day at work, which will bring her through the toughness of duties.

Well, this week, its probably going to be the most trying moments at work and I'm going to prove that I'm worth it! May the power be with me and that everything goes on smoothly :)

Since Wed we have been receiving news about Sister Linda Sim's condition and that she has been warded into hospital. And it just got worse. She went unconscious and then into a coma. Her organs began to fail.

This morning, we received news that she was confirmed brain dead and they removed the machines that have been keeping her alive so far. Soon after, she passed away.

She suffered from a very rare disease called pulmonary hypertension. More can be read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulmonary_hypertension.

She is only 34 and has a little boy, Ravel, who is only 2 years+. She leaves behind a lovely family and many brethren in Christ.

Sis Linda Sim has always been a very encouraging sister-in-Christ. Whenever she could, she would pop by in church or on facebook and ask how was I and what am I doing now. She would share her experiences and advise. She brought me up in church, teaching me God's word, always being an encouraging sister. She has been a great example and I will always love her. I'm very happy for her that she is able to be with the Lord now and ended her suffering on earth. We will meet again, Sister!

Well, not so...

Actually, at any time of the day, I do have things that I want to record down here. Just that at that moment I do not have access. But when I do, I just don't have that feeling or want to record it down anymore.

My head just plays thoughts and another voice appears with what I want to say. Just that there is no transcript of it in the end...

Weirdly, I say.

On the whole, I am doing great :) Now on my internship at T.e.c.h. S.a.i.l.(o).r. :) Enjoying it lots and everyone here is really nice! Big boss from China spoke to me today and I realise how much initiative I haven't been taking. Ok will do from tmr onwards! It's coming to the end of Week 1 and I haven't cleared much of what is on the list :X This is bad...so tmr I have to clear them all.

Tonight is Sports night. But I don't play Squash. So "not" going. But we're celebrating a colleagues birthday and so we're ALL going for Sports night :) I hope to capture some pictures :)

And Ah Kong's birthday was on Mon, but we celebrated with Popiah party (as always) on Sun :) Here's a little special photo that he requested to take with me. And me ONLY :)) haahahahah! So much for 重男轻女 :) He loves this little princess :)

To my dearest friends, I miss all of you!

All the best to those who are going to have their exams :)

I'm going to be done with my paper on Mon :) Yes, only one paper this sem :)

Flying off to Hong Kong (Tues to Sun) :)

Ciao :)