Delight in simple things!

i let my thoughts out and i knew i was never going to get it easy. telling the best friend of the decision is the worst step to take and no...ziwei, it isn't what you said. I don't want to lose the best friends in hall coz I think they are the most wonderful people after staying 3 years with them. but I'm just regretting the decision of taking up the hall's 30th anniversary comm. Hate me, scream at me, scold me, call me irresponsible...

I've told Lixuan about it... and yes of course expected her answers. I've been thinking of all the possible solutions about it and I just cannot let choir go. And this is something which I hold dear to for the past 11 years of my life. I just cant find the same motivation as I can for choir.

I regret it. I haven't done a single thing for the events and this is going to be letting the comm down alr. I know I will never be able to live up to expectations and wont be able to get the things needed. I know i need to start somewhere, I know I have to do it. I know I will get it done someday. But it'll be too late. And I definitely do not know who to ask for help. I am ashamed of telling the chair because he has too many things to handle. But i really do not want to do it anymore. I've really no motivation. and even if i do it, it will be because I am just the shell doing what it has to do and with no heart. I hate it. I will just die doing it. Selfishness. Thats the new me. But I think with this selfishness, Im more carefree, to leave others to die. I'm not like that...why why why..i really don't want to...but isn't it time to really just study!!

Today's release of results is another consequence of doing too many things at the same time. Stupidity.

I'm really sad and I don't know what to do...Escaping and quitting is the easiest way out. I really have no idea. tell me!!

The decision has long been made. My love for choir is there and to sacrifice and do things for it is easy. But to do for hall, it's never been the case. I can just not go to the meeting coz of choir and of caroling. And I don't feel the urgency to know what is going to happen or what was discussed. And when I finally go to the meeting someday, I dont know what is going on. I feel left out. And really dread going for the meetings. I admit I spend more time with the choir people. but that's coz its really great company. I feel in the hall comm its more of lets just get it done and go! And theres more and more arrows coming my way. I shall just accept it. More work to do.

I have let the comm down and thats it. I dont know how to pick up from here.

I'm such a failure...

With too many things on my plate.

I want to let something go and that's troubling me...for those who have been concerned! Thank you!

I've talked to Ziwei about it and she said if they are my friends they would let me...But I'm just feeling so bad. I really have no choice. If I were to choose, of course something that makes me happy and something that I would think benefits the ones I love. I don't know how to bring this across to the people. I'm going to be hated and there goes my friendship with so many. I'm going to seem irresponsible and all...but these few days at home allowed me to realise my life isn't just about that. I have so many more things I want to do. And it just doesn't give me the time to take on something I have to love coz I'm in it. I must admit, it was a rash decision. And I thought I could drop something and take on that. But I can't. My love for choir is always there and it won't change.

And since I'm in charge of caroling, I have been staring at the rosters day in and out. I'm stressed at it coz I want things to go well and perfectly well!! But its just impossible. And worried that some places just don't have that good singers and would feel scary. We should be making music and not damage control! And when I tell ( ), he says "trust in God. He will provide." Of course...but God did say "He who helps himself!" If we don't do something, there's nothing God will do...

And another says "what is the concern here?" duh...can't you see the problem???

Anyway, its getting on my nerves and I thought I'd take it easy this year. Say it once again - NO MORE NEXT YEAR! But everytime i say it, I do it again...

Results out tmr. I will make a decision tmr... And if that is going to hurt the rest of the people in hall..I'm sorry. Going to be selfish once again. And if that means to leave hall, I'm prepared. I have nothing more to hold on. Sorry...

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My life has changed a bit and some decisions are being changed of the recent events lately...Dinners with some people just can make me reflect on my life. I mean, I know I am such, but I don't want to carry on like this...

And with someone suddenly treating me so nice ever, is causing me to lose my logical sense in me. I found the courage to love once again. And I hope it doesn't back fire...as always...It seems but yet it doesn't. And no, nothing is confirmed. It's only my feelings that is causing me to falter...

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This post is depressing. And so am I. I don't know what to do...