Apparently Google has bought over blogger. And so the new interface of blogger is falling in line with Google+ and GoogleMail and all other Google apps… It feels floaty to me. Clean and sleek, but like no base.
Life's been a little bit different for the past few weeks, and as I adjust into my working world, taking on yet another perspective and outlook towards work, I'm feeling pain all over again.
Each day is really unique, and I just have to accept the fast pace of life, knowing that things will never be the same the next day, no matter how I want it to remain. Friendship, treatment to one another, love, character…
It's just the matter of fact in life.
And as the days grow closer to another farewell of a colleague, I realized how much I've actually been so reliant on my dear colleagues, that without them, I don't think I would have survived at work. I must really thank God for giving me such understanding and patient bosses and colleagues, that I can freely express myself…
Too much freedom in fact.
And that was one of the things which weighed terribly on me. I confided in so many friends, in Christ and senior people. And truly I have much to reflect on. It's not easy being a kid, and neither is it easy being a growing kid.
8 months into my full time job. 16 months into this company.
Time flies…
And the person who has walked with me through most of my steps in this company, is leaving for another branch…I'm happy for him :) In a way it is a promotion.
But as time draws nearer for him to leave, I realized how much I've walked this company journey with him being my angel, always keeping a lookout for me, and understanding the pains that I am going through. Even better than the one in my previous post.
Guess it takes one incident to wake a person up to see things clearer from another point of view.
In all areas that I've struggled, I only look towards someone else for comfort. But in actual fact he's there through most of the things.
Sadly, I woke up too late from this little dream I used to have. And now that I want to make things right and better, it's time for him to leave…
He's the first person that I met when I stepped into the office for my interview. He's the one whom I had dinner with so many times when we OT. He's the one who kept me company when I needed to OT while being left behind by the boss to do stuff which I didn't have to…He's the one who taught me technical matters when I couldn't solve. He's the one who stayed out with me, comforting me of the unfairness of life and work. He's the one who taught me so many facts of life. He's the one who would send me home when it's late. He's the one who would advise me on how I should grow up in this working world. He's the one who teaches me how to appreciate good food. He's the one who showed me why we are survivors.
So many times I take him for granted. So many times I overlook him. So many times he is overshadowed by the goodness of the other person when he actually is better looking on hindsight.
The past 2 weeks have been really happy and fun, keeping company almost everyday at lunch and dinner. But I've realized how painful it is to know that we won't be able to have lunch nor dinner nor supper together anymore from next week onwards…
He said he may be back in Singapore soon. Or maybe he won't even go. Or maybe he would just go back to China for a while and return again…Or maybe just bring me over to China.
Maybe…
Maybe I think too much…
Good men are hard to find and I'm just not fortunate enough to own them...
When I begin to realize, it's too late...
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I decided to log back into my little blog which probably no one ever reads again.
I need to tell someone and I've told a few people already. But its just not right. And I don't know what is taking me so long to snap out of it. When it comes to breakups, I seriously think I don't know how to console others. Much as I tell others don't think so much about it; put a coin into the piggybank when you think about him and then when you are fully over him, take the money out to buy something to reward yourself; or a better man will come your way; God has his plans for you and the guy is just not the one for you; You have too many differences and you need to think about the future.
Well, the more I think about it, when I'm not even going through a real breakup, I realize its all just words. And the amount of energy and courage to really pull out of it is MUCH MUCH greater than this! I don't think how anyone could just get over a breakup and think that nothing is wrong, and life moves on. Especially when the hurtful one is the girl.
Yes, I'm making a molehill out of things and I'm not even going through a rejected stage or a breakup. But just because someone whom I've admired and put my plans onto and grown thoughts over the period of time has gotten attached, I start thinking even more.
Just days before I was happy to hear how people were getting attached, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, having kids, moving on in life…
But yet on Tues, when I found out how this particular person is attached, my whole life just seemed to have moved into another state. And the conversation was just weird. When he told me, I just was lying through my teeth when I said "Congrats" and how that "No wonder you seemed to be happier." and "Life is going to be beautiful" and the ":)" now and then that I give as he told me.
And then he went on to ask me what my future plans are, whether I have anyone in mind…Well, obviously I couldn't say it was him…
Of course the conversation could not have left out how he came to such a decision, how God pulled them together, how lovely they have been…
Seriously, I didn't need to be in such a situation!! And he told me to keep it a secret coz he trusted me?? Yea, thanks a lot.
I know I shouldn't have thought about it even coz it really won't work out. And all these while, I have mixed both personal and work together, that this was the only way which kept me moving. I tried to move forward with him, but guess coz where we are that made things harder to move on.
I haven't spoken it out loud to anyone and I thought just by telling myself I am fine and I would snap out of it soon, afterall, this is not the first time I'm in such a situation. But there's a big difference I guess…
I have felt a big change to myself and how I've been interacting with him for the past few days. I know my r/s with him shouldn't be built upon such feelings, but guess I've made a wrong move and things have sunken too deeply on my end. Mixing emotions and work is a very very bad decision. I've decided to pull myself away from him and only speaking to him for work. And I've stopped working as hard, and there's really no motivation for me now. But I'm suppose to be professional!
Argh! How do others do it!! Where they have like MULTIPLE boyfriends all these while and breakup all so often? I can't. And I can't even say let go!
I've been skipping meals coz there's really no appetite for me. And I've been really moody. I know that he's sooner or later going to get a girlfriend and get married, and I won't be in the picture. But I just didn't realize it would be so soon and that I would be feeling like that!
She's lucky and that's a fact.
And now that I'm in such a state, I only see couples and kids all over! I totally look at people in a different light.
He and I have too many nice and beautiful memories. Maybe that's the thing which was given to me by him? Singing duets, taking lovely pictures, helping and encouraging one another, taking care and showing concerns when we're sick and down…
I'm just not the girl who showed him the most care and concern here then...
I couldn't take it and on Friday night, I went to run at the park nearby and sat down for a long while, thinking about things. I haven't cried at all since the talk on Tues, and I know I would be better after I did. So I really cried while talking to God in prayer and my eyes were washed and the road looked clearer and brighter. I tried to be happier and been pretending that nothing has changed. But somehow deep down inside, the heartache is still etched...
I didn't think this would be part of growing up. Well, I know that I want to get married and have kids. That's me growing up. But I didn't think of the other pain that comes along to finding this happiness.
The next thing which worries me is the day that he finally announces his "attachment" with her on Facebook, or the next moment that the whole office finds out that he's attached and that the whole atmosphere will change, or the next moment that he proposes and the whole world knows he is getting married…
I don't think I would want to be at his wedding and neither do I want to meet her. I don't want to have anything personal to do with him…
Seriously, I even considered leaving my job. How does one get over a person when you see him each day?? And I don't want to be on Facebook anymore coz who knows the next moment when you see an update about him having fun with her?
I'm suppose to be chill and heckcare and think that my prince charming will come along the way…Wait…Be patient…and Pray…YES…I KNOW…
Quoting Huifang as she wrote this on her wall:
If there's something we all need to learn, it is to be happy for someone else no matter the circumstances, even if it may have been at your expense. It would mean a lot to the someone else to have your blessing, even if deep down you know that the pain would never go away.
That is very true, and I know I should be giving my blessings since I know I can never be together with him. And I have set my conclusions on this matter and decided to move on…Well, easier said that done…
Some sayings go like: As long as he is not married for a day, you still have a day chance to win him back.
Just depends if that's what I want to do. I'm just going to behave as usual and still enjoy the gentlemanliness of him that attracted me to him…gain more knowledge of being a manager and a boss…
And of course, Pray that I meet another guy as awesome as him, but is a trusting and believing Christian in the same faith, and that he loves me and only me :)
Till then, I think I'm going to take a long while before I snap out of it. And I've been sleeping more to sleep my worries away. But this just won't work. I have made my plans for the next few weeks to be SUPER BUSY! And not be in office as much as possible. I want to be away from him as much as possible.
Let's try and see how. Coz I really want to be happy again...
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